So how have I been doing the last few months? Many up and downs to be honest, my financial situation is not yet improved but might happen soon. My depression has worsened a bit and I seem to have more emotional and psychological problems than they first thought. Sleeping is a b*tch at the moment, it is messing me up a lot. A new idea has risen in my mind involving my past.
Well I have been involved in a lawsuit against a government instance that actually owes me money. I have proven that I am owed the money but still they refuse and say I am wrong even if the judge has told them I am right. Because it was an advice the Instance could wave it away, now we have resend our complaint to the court and we are waiting until they make a decision. My law counsellor has send the court a letter saying how bad my psychological well being is at the moment and that we would like a real decision and not an advice. The jest of it is that I have been sick for a long time, according to the instance I was not sick in 2011, well I was sick but because of other reasons and that is why they do not owe me money. According to me I was mentally ill at the time, they say I was sick but physically and not mentally so they won’t pay. Now we have proven I was mentally Ill in 2011, with help from an impartial doctor.
So it is a waiting game, they will keep telling me no until I win conclusive or until I give up. This sadly enough is very taxing on my partners and own mental health, this has been going on since October 2014 and before that there where problems as well (from February 2012). But enough about that.
Depression and such:
Well I am having a few bad weeks/months, due to the financial worries and law suit (read part above). And because of treatment a few things have come up from the past to hunt me. As I have written before I suffer from a very nasty depression, it will probably never go away but it might become more manageable. Next to my depression they have discovered that I have many other emotional problems, the main thing is a form of borderline with some OCD and of course depression. Sounds bad, feels bad, it is bad. But I am working as hard as I can to make it more manageable and to come in contact with my emotions. There are many things that have been repressed by me and they are coming out more and more, like when you push a ball under water, it comes back with a greater force.
As treatment I am still on medication, I am in therapy. My medication has become less because it seemed to worsen my mood and it was needed to decrease the amount for my therapy. The idea behind that is if my emotions are completely suppressed by medication my therapy will not be very effective. I go to therapy twice a week, once solo and once in a group and there are regular visits to a psychiatrist. Even if this is all for my own good it is very hard and very taxing on me, there are weeks I have the feeling that I should not go. Up to now I have missed one group session due to stomach flu. So it is a work in progress, it will take a long time but it is progress even though it is slow.
Well sleeping sucks, it seems I have a problem with going to sleep. I really want to sleep but my mind will not become quiet or tranquil, it is a chaos, a storm and it is affecting my sleep. I listen to audiobooks before I sleep and play some games on my mobile until I am so tired that I can sleep. Now my sleep pattern has become a very irregular one and I am trying to fix it but I do not have the discipline or actually the will to do it. Next to being tired of sleeping I am actually very tired in general. I am working on it and hopefully I can rest a bit more in the upcoming days/weeks.
Stories from my past:
A new idea crept into my mind, I will start writing some stories from my past in this blog. The stories will be as correct as I can remember except for names and locations to not hurt other people. Maybe it will seem a bit over the top but I have had very weird situations in my life and I will try not to exaggerate.I am doing this mostly for myself and not as a form of entertainment but I will share it so it is out in the world and not stuck in me. And if someone can learn from these stories in some form that will be a very positive thing.
I have picked up writing trail of reveries as I really want to get the story done and I have enough ideas for other stories, but see the above situation, I can’t concentrate very well so writing is very difficult for me at the moment. This frustrates me a lot, too much but that is also part of my psychological problems. The last few months I have kept myself busy binge watching series and playing games, board games or role play, and even write some things for role play. I have watched the Stargate franchise together with my girlfriend and we are now busy watching everything Star Trek, we have some weeks up to months to go before we need to find a new series to binge watch. I have worked on new content for my role playing settings, I have started a mini campaign set in my new setting called Obscure, an occult investigation game set in Edwardian times in England. I am even trying to change the mini campaign into a scenario for others to run. It is similar to Call of Cthulhu but with my own content and ideas.
Well I am done for this blog post, take care and till the next time.
I have created this blog so i have a way to vent my random thoughts. It will be a journey without an end.